Legendary pizza eater, Dave Portnoy, was forced to endorse the SafeMoon scam after a massive seven figure bitcoin loss taken early last week. Those close with Portnoy stated his entire cryptocurrency portfolio blew up after Elon Musk disowned bitcoin.
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Elon’s Tweet
“The minute Elon started tweeting is the minute Dave lost his ass,” a spokesman for Barstool Sports stated. “We were sitting around making fun of Will Meade and eating pizza when suddenly our crypto portfolio started going down. We were pretty shocked because we thought crypto only go up and not down. So when we saw it going down it was like really bad.”
Before Portnoy could finish his pineapple and pickle pizza he was down seven figures.
“Portnoy immediately took out his green hammer and started smashing things,” a Barstool spokesman stated. “It was like King Kong vs. Godzilla but with a belly full of pizza.”
SafeMoon’s Deal With Portnoy
When all was looking hopeless and the pizza was all but gone, the founders of SafeMoon called and offered him a deal.
According to insiders, all Portnoy had to do is endorse SafeMoon and call WSB Chairman a crybaby and they would reimburse all of his losses and send him a fresh pineapple and pickel pizza.
“We knew Portnoy would take the deal,” the founders of SafeMoon stated. “That tanned beautiful man loves his pizza.”
Later that evening Portnoy was seen running naked in Downtown Miami screaming about how WSB Chairman was a huge crybaby. SafeMoon is up 420.69% and counting.
This post first appeared on The Stonk Market
Disclaimer: This is a satirical article.
